Review: GHOOMKETU


Aao sab quirky quirky khelein!

1.5 stars

Mini Review:

Kyon?

Main Review: 

‘Everyone is creating shows that are violent and every character has gaalis coming out of their pores, let’s make people laugh instead, Kya kehte ho?’
‘India is not the cities, we should focus on the village.’
‘Yes! A village with unique characters…’
‘Unique? As in quirky?’
‘And bring the village to the city!’

‘Explosive!’
‘Of course! Open that rolodex and assemble the ensemble cast!’
‘And we will make a super quirky comedy, sir!’

And the men gather around adding quirk after quirk to every character. No one cares if the audience will wonder why there’s not one, not a single normal person in the village…

Dadda screams and screams and then plays the flute. Raghubir Yadav does yelling in every movie, so director ka kaam aasaan. Check!

Nawazuddin Siddiqui is a Phantom rolodex staple, he can do any role. He will be Dhoomketu..
Sir, Ghoomketu, sir!
Haan, haan, same difference. Get him! 
Sir, his designer says he should wear strange clothes. But writer says people in villages don’t wear such clothes…
Tell him to shut up and write. Everyone in villages wears clothes like Tik Tok stars. 
Ok sir. Done hai sir!

Let’s make Anurag Kashyap a bumbling cop because he scared the heck out of people as Rudra the psycho in Imaikka Nodigal. 
Lekin he doesn’t look like a ‘Badlani’…
If people at Netflix have this same doubt, we will use words like ‘universality of the character’
Sounds impressive sir! Lekin AK sir toh, yahan ke sir hain, unko…
No problem, he is very sporting. 
Ok sir! Very good sir!  

Editor ka role Bijendra Kala ko do.
He’s very good sir. Will be very good as writer of film genre handbook
But that’s too straightforward. Put him behind a big partition with a small window.
Yeh best rahega sir! 
And call the newspaper of the village ‘Gudgudi’
Whaa?
Thoda quirky hona chaahiye naa?
Okay sir, best!

Thoda politics bhi daalo so Swanand Kirkire ke character ko Bheeshma pitamah ki tarah kuch role mile.
Hain?
Give him a quirky backstory. Could not get love, so became leader.
Whaa?

Aur kaun baaki hai?
The women, sir!
Put one in ghoonghat, make other one fat and in ghoonghat and make the third fart.
Ila Arun said yes, sir. For Santo bua! 
She did?
But she insists she won’t fart on screen, sir. Because, dignity… 
We’ll figure that one out.
She will be the best! Most quirky, most encouraging bua ever.

Writer? Be funny! Sab dialog mein quirky hona chaahiye. Script ka koi bhi page open karoon toh quirky hona chahiye. At least three!

So you have quirky things like ‘Bloody Pool’ followed by ‘Sui Patak Sannata’ and Nawazuddin Siddiqui’s Tik Tok inspired shirts. So it doesn’t matter if the cast forgets that they are supposed to be villagers and their English is supposed to be less than perfect.

By the time Ghoomketu comes back home from a failed stint in Bollywood, and you have a pain in the neck from watching Ranveer Singh and Sonakshi Sinha act out Dilwale Dulhaniya De Jaayenge and Amitabh Bachchan mouth Ghoomketu’s lines off a bhelpuri paper you have gagged on your own vomit.

How can anyone say ‘Content is King’ after watching this? 

Review: GHOOMKETU


Aao sab quirky quirky khelein!

1.5 stars

Mini Review:

Kyon?

Main Review: 

‘Everyone is creating shows that are violent and every character has gaalis coming out of their pores, let’s make people laugh instead, Kya kehte ho?’
‘India is not the cities, we should focus on the village.’
‘Yes! A village with unique characters…’
‘Unique? As in quirky?’
‘And bring the village to the city!’

‘Explosive!’
‘Of course! Open that rolodex and assemble the ensemble cast!’
‘And we will make a super quirky comedy, sir!’

And the men gather around adding quirk after quirk to every character. No one cares if the audience will wonder why there’s not one, not a single normal person in the village…

Dadda screams and screams and then plays the flute. Raghubir Yadav does yelling in every movie, so director ka kaam aasaan. Check!

Nawazuddin Siddiqui is a Phantom rolodex staple, he can do any role. He will be Dhoomketu..
Sir, Ghoomketu, sir!
Haan, haan, same difference. Get him! 
Sir, his designer says he should wear strange clothes. But writer says people in villages don’t wear such clothes…
Tell him to shut up and write. Everyone in villages wears clothes like Tik Tok stars. 
Ok sir. Done hai sir!

Let’s make Anurag Kashyap a bumbling cop because he scared the heck out of people as Rudra the psycho in Imaikka Nodigal. 
Lekin he doesn’t look like a ‘Badlani’…
If people at Netflix have this same doubt, we will use words like ‘universality of the character’
Sounds impressive sir! Lekin AK sir toh, yahan ke sir hain, unko…
No problem, he is very sporting. 
Ok sir! Very good sir!  

Editor ka role Bijendra Kala ko do.
He’s very good sir. Will be very good as writer of film genre handbook
But that’s too straightforward. Put him behind a big partition with a small window.
Yeh best rahega sir! 
And call the newspaper of the village ‘Gudgudi’
Whaa?
Thoda quirky hona chaahiye naa?
Okay sir, best!

Thoda politics bhi daalo so Swanand Kirkire ke character ko Bheeshma pitamah ki tarah kuch role mile.
Hain?
Give him a quirky backstory. Could not get love, so became leader.
Whaa?

Aur kaun baaki hai?
The women, sir!
Put one in ghoonghat, make other one fat and in ghoonghat and make the third fart.
Ila Arun said yes, sir. For Santo bua! 
She did?
But she insists she won’t fart on screen, sir. Because, dignity… 
We’ll figure that one out.
She will be the best! Most quirky, most encouraging bua ever.

Writer? Be funny! Sab dialog mein quirky hona chaahiye. Script ka koi bhi page open karoon toh quirky hona chahiye. At least three!

So you have quirky things like ‘Bloody Pool’ followed by ‘Sui Patak Sannata’ and Nawazuddin Siddiqui’s Tik Tok inspired shirts. So it doesn’t matter if the cast forgets that they are supposed to be villagers and their English is supposed to be less than perfect.

By the time Ghoomketu comes back home from a failed stint in Bollywood, and you have a pain in the neck from watching Ranveer Singh and Sonakshi Sinha act out Dilwale Dulhaniya De Jaayenge and Amitabh Bachchan mouth Ghoomketu’s lines off a bhelpuri paper you have gagged on your own vomit.

How can anyone say ‘Content is King’ after watching this? 

Review: GHOOMKETU


Aao sab quirky quirky khelein!

1.5 stars

Mini Review:

Kyon?

Main Review: 

‘Everyone is creating shows that are violent and every character has gaalis coming out of their pores, let’s make people laugh instead, Kya kehte ho?’
‘India is not the cities, we should focus on the village.’
‘Yes! A village with unique characters…’
‘Unique? As in quirky?’
‘Why not? Open that rolodex of the usual ensemble cast!’
‘And we will make a quirky comedy, sir!’

And the men gather around adding quirk after quirk to every character. No one cares if the audience will wonder why there’s not one, not a single normal person in the village…

Dadda screams and screams and then plays the flute. Raghubir Yadav does yelling in every movie, so director ka kaam aasaan. Check!

Nawazuddin Siddiqui is a Phantom rolodex staple, he can do any role. He will be Dhoomketu..
Sir, Ghoomketu, sir!
Haan, haan, same difference. Get him! 
Sir, his designer says he should wear strange clothes. But writer says people in villages don’t wear such clothes…
Tell him to shut up and write. Everyone in villages wears clothes like Tik Tok stars. 
Ok sir. Done hai sir!

Let’s make Anurag Kashyap a bumbling cop because he scared the heck out of people as Rudra the psycho in Imaikka Nodigal. 
Lekin he doesn’t look like a ‘Badlani’…
If people at Netflix have this same doubt, we will use words like ‘universality of the character’
Sounds impressive sir! Lekin AK sir toh, yahan ke sir hain, unko…
No problem, he is very sporting. 
Ok sir! Very good sir!  

Editor ka role Bijendra Kala ko do.
He’s very good sir. Will be very good as writer of film genre handbook
But that’s too straightforward. Put him behind a big partition with a small window.
Yeh best rahega sir! 
And call the newspaper of the village ‘Gudgudi’
Whaa?
Thoda quirky hona chaahiye naa?
Okay sir, best!

Thoda politics bhi daalo so Swanand Kirkire ke character ko Bheeshma pitamah ki tarah kuch role mile.
Hain?
Give him a quirky backstory. Could not get love, so became leader.
Whaa?

Aur kaun baaki hai?
The women, sir!
Put one in ghoonghat, make other one fat and in ghoonghat and make the third fart.
Ila Arun said yes, sir. For Santo bua! 
She did?
But she insists she won’t fart on screen, sir. Because, dignity… 
We’ll figure that one out.
She will be the best! Most quirky, most encouraging bua ever.

Writer? Be funny! Sab dialog mein quirky hona chaahiye. Script ka koi bhi page open karoon toh quirky hona chahiye. At least three!

So you have quirky things like ‘Bloody Pool’ followed by ‘Sui Patak Sannata’ and Nawazuddin Siddiqui’s Tik Tok inspired shirts. So it doesn’t matter if the cast forgets that they are supposed to be villagers and their English is supposed to be less than perfect.

By the time Ghoomketu comes back home from a failed stint in Bollywood, and you have a pain in the neck from watching Ranveer Singh and Sonakshi Sinha act out Dilwale Dulhaniya De Jaayenge and Amitabh Bachchan mouth Ghoomketu’s lines off a bhelpuri paper you have gagged on your own vomit.

How can anyone say ‘Content is King’ after watching this? 

Review: ANGREZI MEDIUM


If Hindi Medium Was Fabulous,
Angrezi Medium Is Opposite.

1.5 stars

Mini Review:

Call me stingy but when filmmakers do really stupid things like write the movie wearing blinders whilst under a rock and get carried away on fame earned by their earlier film, then it’s tough to give them a pass (gradewise and otherwise). This film has a great cast, some ‘dil ko touch kar gaye’ scenes but the rest are like vomit emoji. Many times over. 

Main Review:

Half a star for the awesome motichoor laddu placed on our seats at the screening of the film. Despite my fears about the corona virus, I picked up the box from the seat and licked my fingers after eating. Delicious.

One Star For The Feel Good Moments. 

So we realise that Ghasitaram is a name many mithai shops use and they’re all related to one another. They’re fighting to use the name and they take one another to court. What’s fun is that they go to court in a bus together. Because, family.

That itself is a great idea, and the court scene is funny where the court proceedings are derailed because they start discussing daru and chakhna instead. But that’s one scene.

The other best part of the movie is this fabulous trio of Irrfan Khan who plays Champak Bansal, Deepak Dobriyal is Gopi Bansal and Kiku Sharda as Gajju Bansal. Three men who are not just related to one another but are friends who get drunk on the terrace at night. Their conversation is so good you are immediately endeared to the characters (that weird laugh Deepak Dobriyal indulges in is forgiven)

Everyone is going to tell you how heartwarming Irrfan Khan is with his daughter Radhika Madan. One scene where she comes home drunk and accuses her dad is wonderful. After that, her insane need to study in England is a ‘bachpan mein maara hota toh yeh din na dekhne padte!’ moment. 

There is also a moment where Irrfan Khan looks pensive at the window in London, worried about how he’s going to get his daughter admitted to college, which is as good as the scene in Nil Bate Sannata where Chanda (Swara Bhaskar) wonders about how she’s going to get her daughter to study…

Dimple Kapadia is still stunning. Still amazing. 

13 Reasons Why All Good Scenes Stand Cancelled.

1. The film releases on Friday the 13th. So bad writing gets blamed on the bad luck date.

2. Corona virus ke kaaran people didn’t come to the theaters, warna hit thee boss.

3. Whoever wrote the English parts given to white people has never spoke to a white person. They don’t ‘maite’, ‘eh?!’ and ‘lad’ in every sentence. Not even during cricket commentary.

4. Died laughing when London airport, immigration, police were all ‘white’. Why sacrifice the movie for cheap comedy? Kaun hain yeh log? There are brown people everywhere, even the Mayor of London is Sadiq Khan. 

5. British cops who mistake achaar for drugs? Seriously?! In 2020, their drug sniffing dogs might ask for mathri when they sniff out achaar. 

6. Irrfan Khan speaks English with a tourist in Udaipur. Broken English, but English. All of a sudden upon landing in London he is unable to speak a word of the language. But he knows how to use Google Translate which helpfully translates ‘Dawa’ into ‘Drugs’. Try it. It clearly says ‘Medicine’. So they sacrifice everything for a cheap joke. Of course when he says he’s going to make drugs, the all white, all brainless policemen arrest him after overacting their alarm. 

7. We see NO Indian person in London except the boy who picks up Radhika Madan at the airport. And she’s so stupid, she doesn’t make any effort to find where her uncle and dad are. If you ever go to London, there are helpful signs everywhere. And the boy who picks her up also just whisks her away. 

8. So Radhika Madan has managed to contact a frat house Indian, without actually having a provisional admission… And they’re all very happy to share their alcohol. Uh-uh! If you have studied at any college in London, then NO ONE shares alcohol so freely. They all bring their own booze. The frat house hilarity is very American. Thoda konfujiyaa gaye hain… If you google ‘what do students in Britain drink?’, the answer will be beer followed by wine. 

9. So the principal in an Udaipur school tears up the admission letter. Erm… It’s 2020, those acceptance letters are all online now. So the whole nonsense they go through to get admission is a waste. There could have been comedy in trying to forge a letter from the university, where Irfan and Deepak try to reach hackers in some biddy’s basement… Sigh. 

10. The boy who rescues Radhika Madan has a dad who is a politician, but he works so he’s not a burden on his dad. Doting daughter doesn’t try to locate her dad via her friend’s politician dad? That would have been comedy too… But the country where no one figured out that the two gents did not speak English and deported them has an Indian person who is a politician? 

11. Please Pankaj Tripathi, I used to be a fan. Have said that he cannot do a thing wrong. But after seeing him ham away at his role, trying hard to be funny was like someone stabbing me with the butter knife. Pankaj Tripathi starts speaking like, ‘Main batatee hoon’ (as if he were confusing gender) but then he forgets that in trying to be funny. I thought he’s be extending his hand and painting his nails too… They just didn’t think of it, no?

12. Why is Ranvir Shorey made to dress as if he had flown down from the West Indies instead of cold England. And his family is dressed like Goan Aunties straw hats and all… No wonder Meghan Markle chose to leave England and move to Canada.

13. The auction is as sham as it can get. But that Bappi Lahiri crack? Fizzzzzzled out. Who’s your audience? Busta Rhymes is what most young people understand. And the hawala money exchanging hands is not even original…

Friday The Thirteenth or no, this movie just bombed. Even though the father-daughter equation could have been ‘aww’ inducing, these ghastly mistakes would have made Citizen Khan cringe too. Watch Hindi Medium on one of the streaming services. It had a heart. This one just makes you wince.  





P.S. If you are a fan of Irrfan Khan then go to Netflix and watch him in Tokyo Trial.







              


Review: ANGREZI MEDIUM


If Hindi Medium Was Fabulous,
Angrezi Medium Is Opposite.

1.5 stars

Mini Review:

Call me stingy but when filmmakers do really stupid things like write the movie wearing blinders whilst under a rock and get carried away on fame earned by their earlier film, then it’s tough to give them a pass (gradewise and otherwise). This film has a great cast, some ‘dil ko touch kar gaye’ scenes but the rest are like vomit emoji. Many times over. 

Main Review:

Half a star for the awesome motichoor laddu placed on our seats at the screening of the film. Despite my fears about the corona virus, I picked up the box from the seat and licked my fingers after eating. Delicious.

One Star For The Feel Good Moments. 

So we realise that Ghasitaram is a name many mithai shops use and they’re all related to one another. They’re fighting to use the name and they take one another to court. What’s fun is that they go to court in a bus together. Because, family.

That itself is a great idea, and the court scene is funny where the court proceedings are derailed because they start discussing daru and chakhna instead. But that’s one scene.

The other best part of the movie is this fabulous trio of Irrfan Khan who plays Champak Bansal, Deepak Dobriyal is Gopi Bansal and Kiku Sharda as Gajju Bansal. Three men who are not just related to one another but are friends who get drunk on the terrace at night. Their conversation is so good you are immediately endeared to the characters (that weird laugh Deepak Dobriyal indulges in is forgiven)

Everyone is going to tell you how heartwarming Irrfan Khan is with his daughter Radhika Madan. One scene where she comes home drunk and accuses her dad is wonderful. After that, her insane need to study in England is a ‘bachpan mein maara hota toh yeh din na dekhne padte!’ moment. 

There is also a moment where Irrfan Khan looks pensive at the window in London, worried about how he’s going to get his daughter admitted to college, which is as good as the scene in Nil Bate Sannata where Chanda (Swara Bhaskar) wonders about how she’s going to get her daughter to study…

Dimple Kapadia is still stunning. Still amazing. 

13 Reasons Why All Good Scenes Stand Cancelled.

1. The film releases on Friday the 13th. So bad writing gets blamed on the bad luck date.

2. Corona virus ke kaaran people didn’t come to the theaters, warna hit thee boss.

3. Whoever wrote the English parts given to white people has never spoke to a white person. They don’t ‘maite’, ‘eh?!’ and ‘lad’ in every sentence. Not even during cricket commentary.

4. Died laughing when London airport, immigration, police were all ‘white’. Why sacrifice the movie for cheap comedy? Kaun hain yeh log? There are brown people everywhere, even the Mayor of London is Sadiq Khan. 

5. British cops who mistake achaar for drugs? Seriously?! In 2020, their drug sniffing dogs might ask for mathri when they sniff out achaar. 

6. Irrfan Khan speaks English with a tourist in Udaipur. Broken English, but English. All of a sudden upon landing in London he is unable to speak a word of the language. But he knows how to use Google Translate which helpfully translates ‘Dawa’ into ‘Drugs’. Try it. It clearly says ‘Medicine’. So they sacrifice everything for a cheap joke. Of course when he says he’s going to make drugs, the all white, all brainless policemen arrest him after overacting their alarm. 

7. We see NO Indian person in London except the boy who picks up Radhika Madan at the airport. And she’s so stupid, she doesn’t make any effort to find where her uncle and dad are. If you ever go to London, there are helpful signs everywhere. And the boy who picks her up also just whisks her away. 

8. So Radhika Madan has managed to contact a frat house Indian, without actually having a provisional admission… And they’re all very happy to share their alcohol. Uh-uh! If you have studied at any college in London, then NO ONE shares alcohol so freely. They all bring their own booze. The frat house hilarity is very American. Thoda konfujiyaa gaye hain… If you google ‘what do students in Britain drink?’, the answer will be beer followed by wine. 

9. So the principal in an Udaipur school tears up the admission letter. Erm… It’s 2020, those acceptance letters are all online now. So the whole nonsense they go through to get admission is a waste. There could have been comedy in trying to forge a letter from the university, where Irfan and Deepak try to reach hackers in some biddy’s basement… Sigh. 

10. The boy who rescues Radhika Madan has a dad who is a politician, but he works so he’s not a burden on his dad. Doting daughter doesn’t try to locate her dad via her friend’s politician dad? That would have been comedy too… But the country where no one figured out that the two gents did not speak English and deported them has an Indian person who is a politician? 

11. Please Pankaj Tripathi, I used to be a fan. Have said that he cannot do a thing wrong. But after seeing him ham away at his role, trying hard to be funny was like someone stabbing me with the butter knife. Pankaj Tripathi starts speaking like, ‘Main batatee hoon’ (as if he were confusing gender) but then he forgets that in trying to be funny. I thought he’s be extending his hand and painting his nails too… They just didn’t think of it, no?

12. Why is Ranvir Shorey made to dress as if he had flown down from the West Indies instead of cold England. And his family is dressed like Goan Aunties straw hats and all… No wonder Meghan Markle chose to leave England and move to Canada.

13. The auction is as sham as it can get. But that Bappi Lahiri crack? Fizzzzzzled out. Who’s your audience? Busta Rhymes is what most young people understand. And the hawala money exchanging hands is not even original…

Friday The Thirteenth or no, this movie just bombed. Even though the father-daughter equation could have been ‘aww’ inducing, these ghastly mistakes would have made Citizen Khan cringe too. Watch Hindi Medium on one of the streaming services. It had a heart. This one just makes you wince.  





P.S. If you are a fan of Irrfan Khan then go to Netflix and watch him in Tokyo Trial.







              


Review: ANGREZI MEDIUM


If Hindi Medium Was Fabulous,
Angrezi Medium Is Opposite.

1.5 stars

Mini Review:

Call me stingy but when filmmakers do really stupid things like write the movie wearing blinders whilst under a rock and get carried away on fame earned by their earlier film, then it’s tough to give them a pass (gradewise and otherwise). This film has a great cast, some ‘dil ko touch kar gaye’ scenes but the rest are like vomit emoji. Many times over. 

Main Review:

Half a star for the awesome motichoor laddu placed on our seats at the screening of the film. Despite my fears about the corona virus, I picked up the box from the seat and licked my fingers after eating. Delicious.

Now for the film. 

So we realise that Ghasitaram is a name many mithai shops use and they’re all related to one another. They’re fighting to use the name and they take one another to court. What’s fun is that they go to court in a bus together. Because, family.

That itself is a great idea, and the court scene is funny where the court proceedings are derailed because they start discussing daru and chakhna instead. But that’s one scene.

The other best part of the movie is this fabulous trio of Irrfan Khan who plays Champak Bansal, Deepak Dobriyal is Gopi Bansal and Kiku Sharda as Gajju Bansal. Three men who are not just related to one another but are friends who get drunk on the terrace at night. Their conversation is so good you are immediately endeared to the characters (that weird laugh Deepak Dobriyal indulges in is forgiven)

Everyone is going to tell you how heartwarming Irrfan Khan is with his daughter Radhika Madan. One scene where she comes home drunk and accuses her dad is wonderful. After that, her insane need to study in England is a ‘bachpan mein maara hota toh yeh din na dekhne padte!’ moment. 

There is also a moment where Irrfan Khan looks pensive at the window in London, worried about how he’s going to get his daughter admitted to college, which is as good as the scene in Nil Bate Sannata where Chanda (Swara Bhaskar) wonders about how she’s going to get her daughter to study…

Dimple Kapadia is still stunning. Still amazing. 

Now for the reasons all these good scenes get cancelled.

1. The film releases on Friday the 13th. So bad writing gets blamed on the bad luck date.

2. Corona virus ke kaaran people didn’t come to the theaters, warna hit thee boss.

3. Whoever wrote the English parts given to white people has never spoke to a white person. They don’t ‘maite’, ‘eh?!’ and ‘lad’ in every sentence. Not even during cricket commentary.

4. Died laughing when London airport, immigration, police were all ‘white’. Why sacrifice the movie for cheap comedy? Kaun hain yeh log? There are brown people everywhere, even the Mayor of London is Sadiq Khan. 

5. British cops who mistake achaar for drugs? Seriously?! In 2020, their drug sniffing dogs might ask for mathri when they sniff out achaar. 

6. Irrfan Khan speaks English with a tourist in Udaipur. Broken English, but English. All of a sudden upon landing in London he is unable to speak a word of the language. But he knows how to use Google Translate which helpfully translates ‘Dawa’ into ‘Drugs’. Try it. It clearly says ‘Medicine’. So they sacrifice everything for a cheap joke. Of course when he says he’s going to make drugs, the all white, all brainless policemen arrest him after overacting their alarm. 

7. We see NO Indian person in London except the boy who picks up Radhika Madan at the airport. And she’s so stupid, she doesn’t make any effort to find where her uncle and dad are. If you ever go to London, there are helpful signs everywhere. And the boy who picks her up also just whisks her away. 

8. So Radhika Madan has managed to contact a frat house Indian, without actually having a provisional admission… And they’re all very happy to share their alcohol. Uh-uh! If you have studied at any college in London, then NO ONE shares alcohol so freely. They all bring their own booze. The frat house hilarity is very American. Thoda konfujiyaa gaye hain… If you google ‘what do students in Britain drink?’, the answer will be beer followed by wine. 

9. So the principal in an Udaipur school tears up the admission letter. Erm… It’s 2020, those acceptance letters are all online now. So the whole nonsense they go through to get admission is a waste. There could have been comedy in trying to forge a letter from the university, where Irfan and Deepak try to reach hackers in some biddy’s basement… Sigh. 

10. The boy who rescues Radhika Madan has a dad who is a politician, but he works so he’s not a burden on his dad. Doting daughter doesn’t try to locate her dad via her friend’s politician dad? That would have been comedy too… But the country where no one figured out that the two gents did not speak English and deported them has an Indian person who is a politician? 

11. Please Pankaj Tripathi, I used to be a fan. Have said that he cannot do a thing wrong. But after seeing him ham away at his role, trying hard to be funny was like someone stabbing me with the butter knife. Pankaj Tripathi starts speaking like, ‘Main batatee hoon’ (as if he were confusing gender) but then he forgets that in trying to be funny. I thought he’s be extending his hand and painting his nails too… They just didn’t think of it, no?

12. Why is Ranvir Shorey made to dress as if he had flown down from the West Indies instead of cold England. And his family is dressed like Goan Aunties straw hats and all… No wonder Meghan Markle chose to leave England and move to Canada.

13. The auction is as sham as it can get. But that Bappi Lahiri crack? Fizzzzzzled out. Who’s your audience? Busta Rhymes is what most young people understand. And the hawala money exchanging hands is not even original…

Friday The Thirteenth or no, this movie just bombed. Even though the father-daughter equation could have been ‘aww’ inducing, these ghastly mistakes would have made Citizen Khan cringe too. Watch Hindi Medium on one of the streaming services. It had a heart. This one just makes you wince.  





P.S. If you are a fan of Irrfan Khan then go to Netflix and watch him in Tokyo Trial.







              


Review: BAAGHI 3


Bollywood throwback story that’s as senseless as the action!


1 star

Mini Review:

Bollywood brothers have always been like Ram Aur Shyam. One weak and the other strong. Bollywood police dad dies making strong brother promise he’ll take care of weak brother. They’re not twins though. And only in Bollywood do weak brothers show up in Inspector ka uniform and strong brother shadow boxes for him. What follows is so deafening, you cannot fall asleep, and if you follow the story, your brain dies. Slowly. Over 143 minutes.

Main Review:

Yeh Heera Hai, Heera!

Jackie Shroff is Bollywood dad who is rough on younger son because he knows ‘yeh ladka heera hai heera’ (but they did not pay the dialogue guy enough to write the obvious stuff because they spent money on gaalis for heroine that make no sense, and some forgettable supposedly funny lines and names for cops: whatever happened to hum angrez ke zamane ke jailor hain? But I get ahead of myself) 

So heera beta is younger Tiger Shroff who beats up anyone who beats his older softer brother who is a crybaby. It’s Riteish Deshmukh! Before you say what the what happened to Mauli? He had a double role there? What happened to Ram Aur Shyam? Even there Dilip Kumar had a double role… Oh! Tiger Shroff can never play weaker brother! He will have to wear clothes for that…And what normal clothes can fit around those muscles?!

So Riteish bhai is made to cry at the movies in this movie, and when he bumps into baddies with creative forgettable name and get hit, he yells for RONNNNNNNIE!

Tiger who goes by the name Ronnie shows up, beats up the bad guys (I can imagine movie theater sending bills for all that stuff destroyed…) and saves his bhai. 

When the ex policeman (served with their dad) chachaji asks Tiger to become cop in place of dead daddy (died saving innocents during a riot), Tiger gets a great idea, ‘Let crybaby bade bhaiyya become cop, I will shadow him and beat up baddies for him.’ 

India Me Baddies Kam Hai, Foreign Jaao!

For some reason baddies are kidnapping families from India, flying them to Syria, separating them by having men wear bomb vests and blowing themselves up. No one tells us what the big bad baddy called Abu Jalal (the guy from Fauda, Jameel Khoury) does with leftover families.

The moment the henchman for the big bad baddy says, ‘Boss knows 44 languages!’, I imagined him at the United Nations instead of some fake ‘kingdom within Syria’.

I blame Netflix for these Arabic baddies are spouting these days. How can you read when your brain cells have died with this mind numbing story? Why are they ruining Jaideep Ahlawat and Vijay Verma by turning them into good guys so quickly? Had I been Jaideep Ahlawat, starving alone on the street, I would still refuse to play a bad guy called IPL. Perhaps that’s why he chooses to step on a land mine and die! 

Tiger is made to fight with randomly parked train engines in a factory, stacked cars at a dump, SUVs in fake Syria, and dude fights atop helicopters, bringing Black Hawks down. Body count? Syria aise hee khaali hua hai kya? Lots of action sequences later (like Salman Khan his shirt catches fire and Tiger Shroff rips off the shreds to show us his shredded body). Shraddha Kapoor ne diya rag remains intact though.

Why Shraddha Kapoor gives him a rag as a keepsake, no one knows. Perhaps no one even know what she’s doing in the movie. There is no place for women in such films. Even Disha Patani who is made to dance looks bored as an item girl…

In the big fight with the big bad guy, Tiger gets stabbed and dies. 

Phew! No Baaghi 4 then! 

Spoke too soon! Darpoke brother is suddenly enraged and kills remaining bad guys – with a perfectly handy brick – including the big bad guy. But hero kabhi marta hai kya?  

Dammit! Riteish will be his older brother in the next film called ‘Do Baaghi 4’ or something equally ghastly.

Marna Chaahiye… That dialog is boring now…

Tiger delivers his standard Heropanti lines ‘meri jaati nahi’, ‘bhai bulata hai toh phod deta hoon’ as if he were disinterested. Thankfully his action sequences (you get the feeling you have seen them before) are rather cool. 

 I was quite uncomfortable stepping into a public place that could give free rein to the deadly virus. But after surviving this film, I am sure India will survive the Corona Virus too. 

Truly, Baaghi 3 is a cure for the Corona Virus


P.S. Ground clearance on tanks is 19 inches. how thin is this lad?


  

Review: BAAGHI 3


Bollywood throwback story that’s as senseless as the action!


1 star

Mini Review:

Bollywood brothers have always been like Ram Aur Shyam. One weak and the other strong. Bollywood police dad dies making strong brother promise he’ll take care of weak brother. They’re not twins though. And only in Bollywood do weak brothers show up in Inspector ka uniform and strong brother shadow boxes for him. What follows is so deafening, you cannot fall asleep, and if you follow the story, your brain dies. Slowly. Over 143 minutes.

Main Review:

Yeh Heera Hai, Heera!

Jackie Shroff is Bollywood dad who is rough on younger son because he knows ‘yeh ladka heera hai heera’ (but they did not pay the dialogue guy enough to write the obvious stuff because they spent money on gaalis for heroine that make no sense, and some forgettable supposedly funny lines and names for cops: whatever happened to hum angrez ke zamane ke jailor hain? But I get ahead of myself) 

So heera beta is younger Tiger Shroff who beats up anyone who beats his older softer brother who is a crybaby. It’s Riteish Deshmukh! Before you say what the what happened to Mauli? He had a double role there? What happened to Ram Aur Shyam? Even there Dilip Kumar had a double role… Oh! Tiger Shroff can never play weaker brother! He will have to wear clothes for that…And what normal clothes can fit around those muscles?!

So Riteish bhai is made to cry at the movies in this movie, and when he bumps into baddies with creative forgettable name and get hit, he yells for RONNNNNNNIE!

Tiger who goes by the name Ronnie shows up, beats up the bad guys (I can imagine movie theater sending bills for all that stuff destroyed…) and saves his bhai. 

When the ex policeman (served with their dad) chachaji asks Tiger to become cop in place of dead daddy (died saving innocents during a riot), Tiger gets a great idea, ‘Let crybaby bade bhaiyya become cop, I will shadow him and beat up baddies for him.’ 

India Me Baddies Kam Hai, Foreign Jaao!

For some reason baddies are kidnapping families from India, flying them to Syria, separating them by having men wear bomb vests and blowing themselves up. No one tells us what the big bad baddy called Abu Jalal (the guy from Fauda, Jameel Khoury) does with leftover families.

The moment the henchman for the big bad baddy says, ‘Boss knows 44 languages!’, I imagined him at the United Nations instead of some fake ‘kingdom within Syria’.

I blame Netflix for these Arabic baddies are spouting these days. How can you read when your brain cells have died with this mind numbing story? Why are they ruining Jaideep Ahlawat and Vijay Verma by turning them into good guys so quickly? Had I been Jaideep Ahlawat, starving alone on the street, I would still refuse to play a bad guy called IPL. Perhaps that’s why he chooses to step on a land mine and die! 

Tiger is made to fight with randomly parked train engines in a factory, stacked cars at a dump, SUVs in fake Syria, and dude fights atop helicopters, bringing Black Hawks down. Body count? Syria aise hee khaali hua hai kya? Lots of action sequences later (like Salman Khan his shirt catches fire and Tiger Shroff rips off the shreds to show us his shredded body). Shraddha Kapoor ne diya rag remains intact though.

Why Shraddha Kapoor gives him a rag as a keepsake, no one knows. Perhaps no one even know what she’s doing in the movie. There is no place for women in such films. Even Disha Patani who is made to dance looks bored as an item girl…

In the big fight with the big bad guy, Tiger gets stabbed and dies. 

Phew! No Baaghi 4 then! 

Spoke too soon! Darpoke brother is suddenly enraged and kills remaining bad guys – with a perfectly handy brick – including the big bad guy. But hero kabhi marta hai kya?  

Dammit! Riteish will be his older brother in the next film called ‘Do Baaghi 4’ or something equally ghastly.

Marna Chaahiye… That dialog is boring now…

Tiger delivers his standard Heropanti lines ‘meri jaati nahi’, ‘bhai bulata hai toh phod deta hoon’ as if he were disinterested. Thankfully his action sequences (you get the feeling you have seen them before) are rather cool. 

 I was quite uncomfortable stepping into a public place that could give free rein to the deadly virus. But after surviving this film, I am sure India will survive the Corona Virus too. 

Truly, Baaghi 3 is a cure for the Corona Virus


P.S. Ground clearance on tanks is 19 inches. how thin is this lad?


  

Review: THAPPAD

A Slap Is A Big Deal! 


2 stars

Mini Review:

The movie should come with trigger warning for women who are suffering all kinds of abuse, physical as well as emotional abuse. Even though it tapers down to a tame end, this film raises many important question: how much abuse is too much abuse? Tapsee Pannu makes another great choice, supported brilliantly by the rest of the cast. If only a woman had written the ending…

Main Review:

This is the story of a housewife who leads a very comfortable life, is looking to move to London, loves her husband and mother in law, loved by parents as well. Her life comes undone when at a party her husband slaps her in a fit of anger. It is uncharacteristic for him as well as it is for her. How he reacts and how everyone else around this happy household reacts is stunning to her because she realises with that one slap, that she’s no better than the maid who gets slapped by her husband every day.

She chooses to step out of her comfort zone and everything comes unraveled. Only her father offers her unflinching support. Everyone else tells her, ‘It’s just a slap.’

I will let you watch the film because you will find yourself taking sides with so many people in the film:
‘What’s the big deal?’
‘People slap only because they love so much.’
‘He bought her a diamond bracelet afterwards na to say sorry! Phir bhi problem hai!’
‘I was angry! But you should have not tried to pull me away.’
‘Women need to learn to compromise.’
‘You be the big person, you learn to forgive.’

Superb performances by Kumud Mishra who is fabulous as the thoughtful and kind father, Ratna Pathak Shah as the conflicted mother, but the best performance (even better than Tapsee Pannu, in my humble opinion) is the performance by Geetika Vaidya who plays the maid. 

The maid is a brilliant foil to her memsaab. She’s sassy, but gets slapped around all the time. She is kind and sensitive (her, ‘Can I oil your head’ made me weep in the darkness of the theater), and as she watches the memsaab go through a tough choice in her life, is transformed to a person who can stand up for herself. The character has been written brilliantly.

The lawyer’s character (played by Maya Sarao) seems rather good. A woman who has a man friend on the side because she’s in a crappy marriage where she gets no credit as a professional also tapers off tamely when she says goodbye to her young friend.  

The only thing that made me grit my teeth is the really easy way out of a problem called Taapsee is to get her pregnant. 

The last melodramatic scene of the puja for the child and her gently telling her mother in law that she was mad at everyone for not ‘taking her side’ in that long give-me-an-award speech is just written because they did not find any real conclusion for the ‘problem’ … This is where I would suggest the filmmakers ASK a women, several women for that matter as to what they would do. 

So after taking me on a high with this slap on patriarchy, they reduce the woman who makes that dent into the system into becoming a ‘mother’.

It was as lame a conclusion as the fake ‘woke’ opening credits where everyone put their mother’s names as their middle names. Bah!



P.S: No point writing about the men’s roles played competently because those are ordinary everyday men in real life. Anyone can play them. 



  

Review: THAPPAD

A Slap Is A Big Deal! 


2 stars

Mini Review:

The movie should come with trigger warning for women who are suffering all kinds of abuse, physical as well as emotional abuse. Even though it tapers down to a tame end, this film raises many important question: how much abuse is too much abuse? Tapsee Pannu makes another great choice, supported brilliantly by the rest of the cast. If only a woman had written the ending…

Main Review:

This is the story of a housewife who leads a very comfortable life, is looking to move to London, loves her husband and mother in law, loved by parents as well. Her life comes undone when at a party her husband slaps her in a fit of anger. It is uncharacteristic for him as well as it is for her. How he reacts and how everyone else around this happy household reacts is stunning to her because she realises with that one slap, that she’s no better than the maid who gets slapped by her husband every day.

She chooses to step out of her comfort zone and everything comes unraveled. Only her father offers her unflinching support. Everyone else tells her, ‘It’s just a slap.’

I will let you watch the film because you will find yourself taking sides with so many people in the film:
‘What’s the big deal?’
‘People slap only because they love so much.’
‘He bought her a diamond bracelet afterwards na to say sorry! Phir bhi problem hai!’
‘I was angry! But you should have not tried to pull me away.’
‘Women need to learn to compromise.’
‘You be the big person, you learn to forgive.’

Superb performances by Kumud Mishra who is fabulous as the thoughtful and kind father, Ratna Pathak Shah as the conflicted mother, but the best performance (even better than Tapsee Pannu, in my humble opinion) is the performance by Geetika Vaidya who plays the maid. 

The maid is a brilliant foil to her memsaab. She’s sassy, but gets slapped around all the time. She is kind and sensitive (her, ‘Can I oil your head’ made me weep in the darkness of the theater), and as she watches the memsaab go through a tough choice in her life, is transformed to a person who can stand up for herself. The character has been written brilliantly.

The lawyer’s character (played by Maya Sarao) seems rather good. A woman who has a man friend on the side because she’s in a crappy marriage where she gets no credit as a professional also tapers off tamely when she says goodbye to her young friend.  

The only thing that made me grit my teeth is the really easy way out of a problem called Taapsee is to get her pregnant. 

The last melodramatic scene of the puja for the child and her gently telling her mother in law that she was mad at everyone for not ‘taking her side’ in that long give-me-an-award speech is just written because they did not find any real conclusion for the ‘problem’ … This is where I would suggest the filmmakers ASK a women, several women for that matter as to what they would do. 

So after taking me on a high with this slap on patriarchy, they reduce the woman who makes that dent into the system into becoming a ‘mother’.

It was as lame a conclusion as the fake ‘woke’ opening credits where everyone put their mother’s names as their middle names. Bah!



P.S: No point writing about the men’s roles played competently because those are ordinary everyday men in real life. Anyone can play them.