There’s Nothing Kaala About The Film.
Neither Is There any Kaand.

1 star

Mini Review: 

If you think a story like Delhi Belly could be replicated 
or something ‘as cool’ could be made, Kaalakaandi 
will disappoint you. Three random stories in one 
night in one terribly pretentious film that tries too 
hard. Fails. 

Main Review:
It would have been fun had the doctor told Saif he had 
‘Lympho Sarcoma of the Intestines’. At least we would 
expect some fun. And they do have film references in the 
film. This way it is neither fun, nor serious. It is plain trying 
too hard to be ‘kewl’. 

And why are they all speaking English? There is barely 
any Hindi in the film. and that too in a Police Station where 
by their ‘Urban film hai, so characters are speaking English’ 
logic, the cops in Mumbai speak Marathi laced Hindi. 

Running parallel to Saif’s ‘let me do strange things because 
I’m going to die’ story is the story of a girl going abroad for 
a PhD whose boyfriend wears her thong on his face. Again, 
trying too hard to be cool. If he doesn’t want her to go 
abroad and thinks she’s going to seduce men by wearing 
thongs, would he be wearing her thong on his face? If he 
wants her to laugh by wearing her thong on her face then 
he wouldn’t be whining… Looks like they wanted to get 
the ‘this is dental floss’ dialog into the film. Meh!
Deepak Dobriyal and Vijay Raaz are at the heart of the 
third parallel tale. They’re ‘hafta collectors’ for a bad guy, 
wondering what it could be if they took the money instead 
of giving it to the boss. Of course there is a sharpshooter 
who wears guns like some gunslinger from a cowboy film. 
Sigh. Even though a gunslinger driving away in a Nano is 
funny, at least make the guns like they’ve been in use for 
25 years! The shiny guns look like they’ve just arrived 
bubble wrapped from Amazon. 

The stories are so asinine you know that it was ideated 
when the ‘team’ was doing what Saif tells the doctor he’s 
going to do…

The stories are so painfully predictable in their ‘coolness’ 
you expect the photographer girl to say ‘I’m a lesbian’, 
just to check that box… 

Only the person who did the special effects earns his salary. 
The rest is self-indulgent silliness. 

(this review appears on )
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