Review: WAR

SHREDDED ABS, SHREDDED SCRIPT. YOU CHOOSE. WILL MAKE MONEY.

Phir na kehna bataya nahi… 

Mini Review: 

Sweaty heroes. Check. Walking away from explosion. Check. Gaddar to ‘vatan’. Check. Fast cars. Check. Babes, combat guys dancing. Check. Last point nahi samjha. Watch the Sequel…

Main Review:

HOT SWEATY/SMOLDERING INTROS

Hai hai! Hrithik kills good guy who looks more Kapoor than Naidu (plus he ate North Indian food at dinner!) instead of obviously Paki villain (mullah type beard and robes). Hai! Hai!

Action then takes us to another location.

Woah! Baby Tiger all grown up kills seven men rolling and punching breaking stuff. It’s drug dealers in foreign lands who wanted to sell drugs in India, so it’s okay I guess. I feel bad for the briefcase full of Indian cash he leaves lying there though. Why foreigners want Indian cash? I squash that thought because Baby Tiger is smoldering at the camera. But he fell into swimming pool… he’s steaming hot…

Then super sweaty guy in torn tee and combat cargoes (read Military green) emerges from military helicopter with others similarly clad. But he’s got sunglasses. So he’s hero. And he emerges last… So he’s a polite dude. Niice. He’s hot.

Ashutosh Rana has to eat humble pie in front of over-dramatic Raksha Mantri who asks him, ‘Main PMO ko kya jawaab doongi?’

GIRLS IN AN ACTION FILM? WHY?

We’re Indian. So we have to tell action dudes, ‘Family honi chaahiye.’ So one hero has Vani Kapoor, and the other has dukhi mom. 

And the third woman is in military tank top briefing hot sweaty men. We even see her in burqa with a machine gun walking from left of screen to right during a mission, without ever using the gun. 

And who will dance with hot dudes after the mission is successful? 

HOT, SWEATY, SMOLDERING DUDES IN ANY SETTING

The film takes these hot guys to everywhere from Delhi to, Morocco to Pakistan and Afghanistan, the Arctic Circle, Kerala, Sydney.

Also unlabeled locations such as abandoned stone (not wood) church near Arctic Circle, super secret commando training on top of a mountain far away from civilization, hospital. morgue that looks like a locker room, bar with dance stage, beaches, boat, shacks.

But no matter where you put them they look hot, sweaty and smoldering.

GOOD ACTION SET PIECES. LEKIN KYON? 

That Hrithik and Tiger Shroff can haz action is a given. But the sameness of their moves is boring. The same use wall to climb and then smash head of opponent happens at least five times. Same with Hrithik. His duck from a swinging punch and then smash opponent gets tiresome too. 

Why on earth is a villain carrying two supercars in an icebreaker up in the Arctic circle? Oh, for the chase sequence of course! 

The motorbike chase sequence in the city is terrific but when a good guy is chasing a bad guy, on a bike, and you can see both of them, how in a split second or two or even three does the bad guy manage to install a tripwire strong enough to trip a bike?

But the chase is fun. But Manoj Bajpayee in The Family Man chasing a running baddie as a pillion rider on an aunty’s scooter is smarter.  

WHEN HEROES ARE HOT, SCRIPTS DIE.

Why is there a holi dance to celebrate their victory over a man mountain type villain who is dressed perhaps should be in a Bahubali type movie than here.

How did a remote commando type training center on top a mountain turn into a venue for a disco holi party? Where did all the blingy girls and men with drums come from? 

Who made one hero lieutenant in one scene and captain in the next? And what a strange salute he has…

How did hero manage to get cameras inside the accountant’s home in every place like Big Boss house? What was his security doing at that time?

Have the filmmakers not seen Mission Impossible? Smarter to use prosthetic make up rather than give scars to hero? Best doctor in the world leaves such scars? Even local surgeons are proud of sutures that dissolve and barely visible scars these days… 

Who cares? The heroes are hot.

A SEQUEL? YEH IDEA HAI BHAYANKAR…

The hero does not hint at sequel any more, but says blatantly. I will continue working like this…

This idea of scriptless action movies is an idea that is bhayankar…

I am horrified at lyrics like, ‘Jai Jai Shiv Shankar, Aaj Mood Hai Bhayankar’ but get really pissed off at fake operatic music being used everywhere. Bas karo yaar…

Of course the movie will make money. Hot men who chase one another on bikes and cars and planes rakes in moolah. I’m hoping next time they use some of that money to buy a story…





   

  


      




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